Work vs Caregiving: Balancing Conflicting Roles

She was a quiet, diligent bookkeeper who at one time dreamed of being a nurse. Other family members’ needs always seemed to take priority over her own.  Ever the practical soul, my mom quit her job to stay home full time when my younger sister was born in the late 1950’s.

First, it was her children who needed her — the requisite home keeping, trips to schools and doctors, and coordinating the annual PTA spaghetti dinner in the basement auditorium of the school. She worked to balance errands, banking and housework alone as her husband (my Dad) traveled out of town on business for days at a time.

 A decade later, she was needed to help with ailing parents on both sides of the family. She struggled to balance the difficult decisions of who should get her time on any given day. Then, as my dad neared retirement, his medical conditions demanded her attention. She tended to ignore her own needs most of the time. It resulted in her death.

The tightrope I’m walking is a bit different. I’ve continued pursue my business dreams while having a family. Owning my own business had made it easier for me to flex between the two worlds of work and family with the added help of daycare, schools, cleaning staff and an adaptable spouse. 

That is . . .  until a parent 3000 miles away became seriously ill again. There are some things that just can’t be done by phone and email. My presence was required.

Long days at the hospital left me with little energy to work remotely from my laptop late in the evening in my motel room.  I determinedly worked on the most pressing items. “Just good enough” became my motto. My efforts were limited to just getting the absolute minimum done at work.

After two weeks, I was able to go home and resume a more normal life.  My spouse and teenaged children had managed to successfully hold business and home together while I was gone. I had lost momentum at work, but I could regain it with extra hours of concentrated effort. I lucked out.

But what happens if you need more time for caregiving than you have paid vacation time? If you work for a company with 50 or more employees, the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) requires your employer to grant you 12 workweeks of unpaid leave during any 12 month period to care for an immediate family member who has a serious health condition. 

Certainly this can be a help in an emergency situation, but it doesn’t begin to address the needs for caregiving for a chronic condition like dementia. A good friend (male) was asked to take early retirement when it became clear to his bosses that the demands of caring for his mother had priority over overtime. Ironically, this company was named one of the 2006 Working Mother 100 Best Companies.

It turns out that taking the early retirement offer turned out to be the perfect solution for that moment. He was able to focus on being a caregiver (with the help of in-home nursing staff). And, he was eventually able to consult for the company on a more flexible schedule than he had before.

So, everyday I count my blessings and look for the opportunity present every time an issue arises. I don’t make plans too far ahead. My motto today is “Be here now.”