Aging parents often say “I don’t want to burden my children”.  But, the truth is that many sons and daughters will need to bear some burden if their parents are to maintain a dignified life as they weaken with age.  For some families, the burden will be relatively light and manageable, especially with advanced planning.

For others, even for those gifted with foresight, the load will require appreciable changes in life, i.e., sacrifice.   In modern-day America, we would like to think that the dramatic choice between caring sufficiently for our aging parents and pursuing our own most important goals and objectives in life can always be avoided.  In my opinion, it is not always possible.

Many people in this situation make the noble choice and compromise their own family life, career development, financial security, leisure pursuits, and overall “quality of life” for their parents.  In the end, they get to attend a funeral and are left with a lonely, empty feeling.  They’ve probably not been giving their friends as much attention as in earlier times, and thus may not have as much support available once the end finally comes.

Wanted: Stories that Affirm Caregiving as Worthwhile

Hopefully, they know that they did the right thing, that they upheld the most basic notions of common decency and societal virtue.  But American culture does not offer them much support and affirmation for that.

I can’t think of any movies or songs or stories that celebrate those who gave away something of themselves to repay their parents for the gift of life.  The more prevalent assumption seems to be that such people should have gotten better financial advice or that they did what they did because of an unhealthy psychological dependency.

Instead, I suggest that we turn to the ancient Greeks for some advice, given their great interest in truth and wisdom.  I’m not a trained Greek scholar, but I know of one story that might apply here.  It is the tale of Cleobis and Biton, as narrated by Solon in the writings of Herodotus and centuries later by Plutarch.

In a nutshell, Cleobis and Biton were two young men who lived with their mother on a farm in Argos, probably a fairly well-off rural estate.  Their mother was a patron in good standing at the Temple of Hera, where services and sacrifices were held in honor of the goddess Hera.

To maintain such good standing, it was important to attend the major ceremonies on a regular basis and to arrive punctually.  On the day of a festival for the goddess, it was time to hitch the oxen up to the cart that would transport mother over the six miles of roadway that led to the Temple.

However, the oxen were somewhere in the lower forty still plowing.  It was clear that mother wasn’t going to make it in time, and was going to lose some points with the high priest or priestess for showing up late (or not at all).

So Cleobis and Biton stepped up and decided that they would latch themselves up to the cart and pull their mom over the bumpy roads to Hera’s Temple. (So much for their pleasant evening sipping wine and watching the sun set from the back porch.)

After a hot and dusty trip, Cleobis and Biton got mom and cart up to the Temple gate in time for the torch procession or however they began a pagan temple service.  In their exhaustion, the two sons decided to find a quiet spot somewhere in the Temple, and both soon fell asleep.

As the service progressed, mom invoked the goddess in honor of her two wonderful sons — that they die the happiest of men.  Well, this IS an ancient Greek story, so you know there’s an ironic twist involved.  And here it comes.  After the service was over, mom went to find her two sons and discovered their lifeless bodies.  They never woke up from their slumbers.  A terrible tragedy.

Rich as Croesus

BUT, on finishing this story, Solon points out to King Croesus that despite the King’s great wealth and his fabulous success in life, he was NOT the happiest of men.  The happiest of men were Cleobis and Biton (and also Tellus, another humble man who died honorably enough to be recalled by Solon).  Their mother’s wish was granted.

Although their grimy, sweaty exhaustion followed by unforeseen death sounds anything but happy, the ancient Greeks did not measure ‘happiness’ simply by the internal sense of personal satisfaction and fulfillment.  They used a more ethereal standard, appealing to the ideals of virtue.

According to the Greeks, Cleobis and Biton were heros and should be emulated (although their mother obviously should have pondered the maxim ‘be careful what you wish for’).  They were not poor chumps who got a bad hand because of their own neurotic dependencies and lack of foresight (e.g., they should have thought to send a house servant out to call the oxen back in from the fields a few hours before the service).

The ancient Greeks could indeed be a bit over-dramatic in making their point.  I’m not suggesting that a person should be willing to die in the service of dependent parents.  In fact, it’s extremely important to take care of yourself while under the stress of parental support.

Honoring Your Parents

But the fact remains that the truest of true happiness doesn’t always SEEM very happy, in the modern sense.   Taking care of a dependent parent, whether on the front line, or even in a support role, can be a drag.  It DOES sometimes take away some of your own life opportunities and choices.

And there isn’t always a wide assortment of people around who want to support you during your months or years of trial.  After you miss four or five New Year’s Eve parties, you may not be getting as many phone calls.  Your situation is just not fashionable.

But if it was good enough for the people who gave us Plato and Socrates and Aristotle, perhaps it should be well considered by us moderns too.  Just as America learned to ’support our troops’ after the disregard which they unjustly received during the Vietnam years, perhaps we also need to better support those on the front lines of parental caregiving.

Virtue is its own reward, as Herodotus and Plutarch implied.  But public acknowledgment of such virtue is also a good thing, as the ancient Greeks also realized.

JimG offers his thoughts about the Greeks, true virtue and caring for parents in this special guest blog for 3GenFamily. You can read more about him and his writing at www.eternalstudent.com.

© 2008 JimG All Rights Reserved.

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I came across an old photo of my Mom the other day.

She is standing on the lush lawn in front of my sister’s home, her right arm folded primly across her body.  Hanging from her arm is her trusty handbag. If you have every seen pictures of Queen Elizabeth II of the UK on an outing, you have seen the formal handbag pose.

Mom’s handbag was a treasure trove of necessities for the modern woman — and for my Dad. You see, whenever they went out of errands together, Mom carried the money, bankbooks, receipts, you name it, and Dad’s reading glasses.  He never lost a pair when she was guarding them.

After she died, he resorted to carrying his glasses with case in his shirt pocket. That worked most of the time.  He was fortunate that bank employees and medical receptionists would recognize his glass case on the counter or desk and help him remember to put them in his pocket before leaving.

A Service That Returns Your Glasses

You may already be aware that a quality pair of eyeglasses can cost $300 - $400. Even if you are not on a tight budget, losing your glasses can prevent you from going about your daily business. If you can’t drive without them, how do you get to the doctor for a replacement?

The perfect solution has finally arrived — Eyeglass Rescue!

You attach the tags to the glasses and register your contact information either online or by phone.  That’s it!

When someone finds your glasses, she or he can call the toll free phone number for Eyeglass Rescue to report finding them. Eyeglass Rescue will help the finder return your glasses to you.

Eyeglass Rescue received its first patent in 2004. Since then, the company reports that it has over 25,000 subscribers and has returned more than 4,000 pairs of glasses to their owners.

And, good deeds get rewarded. Eyeglass Rescue sends the finder a thank-you package of merchandise.

You can order tags for your eyeglasses directly from Eyeglass Rescue’s secure order page on their web site (www.eyeglassrescue.com) or from Walgreens.com and CVS.com.

While you are at it, maybe you want to order a tag for your glasses. There are even special color tags for your child’s glasses.  It’s a great solution for everyone in your family, including elderly parents.

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

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Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

* * * * *

“Are you coming to bed, hon?” whispered my sleepy husband.

“In a minute . . . this is such a good book!” I said as  I glanced up.

From the first paragraph, Carol O’Dell’s book, Mothering Mother, had me spellbound. I just could not put this book down.

Sleep is my most precious commodity. It is rare for me to stretch the time before I turn out the lights. Yet, this engrossing story made me willingly break my own rule.

Most resources about caregiving focus on cold, factual advice to the reader. While how-to books can be very helpful, they don’t deliver an insider view of the physical and emotional impact of caring for someone daily for an extended period of time.

Mothering Mother propels you into O’Dell’s non-stop whirl of caring for a parent with Parkinson’s disease while caring for teenage daughters with their own needs and trying to sustain her relationship with her husband. Oh, she is also working to keep her sanity.

Alzheimer’s, Too

Through twists and turns in all of their lives, I found myself laughing out loud at some of the crazy-making outbursts from O’Dell’s mother, Noveline. But, I wasn’t laughing at O’Dell or her mother. I was laughing because my Dad or another elder said something  totally off the wall just like it.

Then, it hit me. At this point in the story, Noveline has symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease in addition to Parkinson’s, but O’Dell doesn’t know what it is yet. I remember being baffled by things my Dad said. I remember my frustration with Dad’s paranoia and his unwarranted fears.

Dancing As Fast As She Can

Carol O’Dell is startlingly honest in describing her hectic life, her thoughts and her feelings - amused, angry, stressed, exasperated, determined, perplexed, overwhelmed and inspired by events as they occur. If you have never dealt on a daily basis with a baby’s dirty diapers or tried to lift a grown adult who has no strength, some of her descriptions may shock you.

Like most caregivers for aging parents, O’Dell didn’t take classes in geriatric nursing. She’s learning “on the job.” Insurance won’t cover nursing care in the home. Medicare only covers it for a short time after a hospitalization. Hospice help only arrives at the end, long after O’Dell has won the major battles.

Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir is an important book for caregivers and other family members to read.  Certainly, Carol O’Dell’s experience is her own. Yet, the book describes common issues that anyone caring for a parent, or considering it, needs to think carefully about.

Thank you, Carol O’Dell, for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with us! This book rates five stars.

Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

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Congratulations, graduates and parents!

You have successfully navigated the sometimes stormy waters of K through 12 schooling to reach that long hoped for goal — High School Graduation Day. And, you have been accepted to a fine college. Now, you need to start buying those key personal tools that a Freshman will need for success in college.

At the top of every new college student’s list is a sleek, new desktop computer or laptop. After a cell phone (and perhaps a beloved mp3 player), the computer is one of a college student’s most coveted pieces of gear.

Which Kind To Buy - Desktop or Laptop?

Unfortunately, there is no “one size fits all” computer. For some students, a laptop is a necessity. For others, the desktop is better.

Answering these questions can help you make a decision:

1) What do the college and current students say about computers?

Every college wants their students to succeed. Every campus has some public use computers. Those that have too few public use computers to accommodate every student at peak times will recommend that you bring a computer to campus.

If you didn’t ask when you were touring the campus, email your college to ask how students use computers on campus. Do most students bring a laptop? Does the campus offer wireless connections throughout or just in certain areas? Do students collaborate online regularly as part of classes? Do most of the classrooms accommodate laptops with sufficient desk space, electrical outlets and wired or wireless connections?

If most course materials are online, email is the primary mode of communication and everyone works together using wikis rather than whiteboards or paper notebooks, a laptop is the way to go.

If computer use is mostly for online research, or the student needs lots of computing power for graphics design, video gaming, computer programming or high level science and math, a desktop will offer the best value and be easier to expand as needed.

2) How does the student study right now?

Writing notes by hand in a spiral notebook is not the same as keying notes in a word processor on a laptop. Educators agree that many students perform better when they write drafts and edit essays by hand. It allows for total focus on the subject without interruption of email, social networking, blogs or videos.

Where does the student prefer to study — in the dorm room or somewhere else on campus? It is difficult to lug around a desktop to a quiet spot at the library or even just to the lounge when your roommate has invited all of his friends to watch South Park in your room.

Our college freshman discovered this past year that he really preferred to take notes by hand in a paper notebook. Most of the desks in his classrooms were too small to fit his big, shiny, new laptop. It was awkward trying to take notes while the laptop teetered on the edge of the desk.

Being an avid video gamer, our son chose one of the highest performing laptops that HP offered on its website. Shiny, black with a wide, high resolution screen, it was perfect for video games but heavy to carry as he walked around campus with his extra large backpack.

After running to class through a downpour on a typical New England autumn day, our son shockingly discovered that his expensive laptop backpack wasn’t totally waterproof! Even though the computer did not get directly splashed, moisture seeped into the laptop slowly changing irregular patches of pixels on the screen from bright white to leaden gray.

This is one of the major downsides of carrying a laptop–they are more easily damaged in day to day activities. Ruggedized laptops exist but are out of the reach budget-wise of most college students.

Fortunately, our son had purchased the extended warranty so he was able to get the laptop repaired by the manufacturer. His extended warranty saved the day. If you have the option to purchase an extended warranty with repairs for “accidents” by all means get it.

While the computer was at the factory, our college freshman discovered that there were plenty of computers on campus to get his work done. But, he was forced to leave his room every time he needed to use the computer.

Not so much fun during the winter.

The Computer He Would Have Chosen

Knowing what he knows now, our son would have purchased a blazing fast desktop rather than a high performance laptop. And, he would continue to take notes in class with a paper notebook — easy to do on those small student desks.

He has seen a few of the new ullra-small computers, like the Asus Eee PC, traveling with their owners around campus. This seems like the ideal note taking laptop for the always connected student whose budget will allow buying both a desktop and a laptop.

Mac or PC or Linux?

Despite Apple’s cute commercials featuring John Hodgeman (The Daily Show) singing the blues with a lovable hound dog yowling in the background, the PC running Microsoft’s operating system is not disappearing from the face of the earth. Which to choose is a matter of familiarity (which have you used before) and price. Macs often cost more than equivalent PCs. For example, an HP Pavillion dv6700t costs around $1200 while a comparably equipped Apple MacBook Pro 15 inch is $2050.

Macs get viruses (albeit fewer of them) just like PCs so whichever you choose you need to protect your computer from them. Even Linux computers come with anti-virus software because it is the realistic and prudent thing to do. You can help keep your PC trouble free with Windows Live OneCare.

Macs have always been “cool”, but PCs are catching up on style. Linux computers are rapidly emerging from experimental to mainstream.

The tiny Asus Eee PC has been selling like hotcakes since it was introduced last year. Last week, our high school freshman bought one with money he had saved up. He got the Eee PC 900 running Linux. It came with a complete desktop suite just like you would expect on a Mac or PC for a price that’s as small as the Eee PC itself.

Out of the box, it was ready for basic work. The screen was a reasonable size for Internet browsing or writing an English essay. My high schooler’s slender fingers have no trouble with the small keyboard. He tells me that someone who is Linux savvy can find almost every kind of software for a Linux computer online but it takes a bit of experience to get a really satisfactory result. So a Linux computer may not be the perfect choice for someone who is shy about technology.

Before you venture on the Internet or to the electronics store, spend some time figuring out how and where the new college student will study and what the technology culture is like at the school. You will get a better idea of what kind of computer you need before you get to specific models.

For more help on choosing a particular desktop or laptop, CNET has comprehensive reviews to help choose a particular machine.

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

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http://www.pbs.org/caringforyourparents

I received an email from my cousin about the PBS documentary, Caring for Your Parents, a few days after it aired on April 2, 2008. He wanted to know if I was going to talk about it here. He thought it was a dynamite show.

I missed it the first time it aired. Fortunately, the entire show is available at the PBS website. So I was able to watch it today.

Wow!

The Caring for Your Parents website has divided the show into small sections. I was only going to sample a few sections to get a sense of what the show was about. That turned out to be nearly impossible. I had to watch the entire show.

The show’s producer, writer and director, Michael Kirk tread a fine line between respecting the private aspects of each of these five families from Rhode Island while having them describe the unvarnished truth of their lives as caregivers for their aging parents. We follow them over the course of a year. From well-to-do to working class, each family is coping with their parents evolving lives. Several of these families were dealing with parents with dementia.

It’s funny how we sometimes think our own situation is different or unique. I was struck by how eerily similar many of the conversations between adult child and parent and health care provider were to my conversations with my father.

Early in the show, one of the parents was being reminded by his doctor that he needed to give up driving a car because his memory has started to fail. The conversation was so similar to ones I had with my Dad that I was stunned!

The families and situations were varied but the major themes were the same as those I had encountered. Here are a few highlights:

1. Many of our parents believe in being self-sufficient. They will not mention problems they are having because they don’t want to be a burden. So, it is important to have conversations about finances and medical care and to continue having conversations as your parents’ health changes. Their choices and decisions and wishes need to be written down. It’s not one conversation–it’s many over time.

2. Your interactions with your adult siblings regarding your parents will mirror the interactions you had when you were younger. If your fought as kids, you will likely fight about your parents’ wellbeing. You can break out of the old pattern. You need to toss your expectations away about what your siblings ought to be doing. Inter-family anger is likely when one sibling does all the caregiving. It needs to be dealt with in a positive way.

3. The family members providing care often deal with highly technical medical information in order to provide a parent with informed care. It practically takes a Masters degree to deliver medication, understand what the issues are, speak for the patient when she/he can speak for themselves and make the excruciating decision on when to stop a treatment that isn’t working.

4. All of this work takes a huge toll on the caregiver whose health may be in jeopardy from the stress and self-denial. Of the five families, the caregivers who took time to take care of themselves fared significantly better than those that didn’t.

Director, Michael Kirk, tries to end on an upbeat note by talking about “Transformative Moments”. My own experience bears out that there are often funny, happy and special moments shared with your parents as you care for them. The more you focus on those moments of joy the easier it is to get through the difficult moments.

Caring for Your Parents forces us to confront the idyllic myth that we and our parents may have of their independently living out their days in happy retirement until their “time is up.” Our elders are living longer, often in poorer health. They need more and more of our help as time goes on.

This documentary is a real eye opener. Please do watch it.

It is available for viewing on the PBS website and the DVD is available for purchase.

Caring for Your Parents

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

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110 Tips for Getting Into The College of Your Choice

Today is April 20th. There are only 10 days left for high school seniors to decide which college they will be attending in the Fall of 2008.

If your high school senior received the perfect offer, you and your student are preparing to visit the school for “New Admit Day” or are making a list of all of the personal items that need to get shipped to the dorm before the first day of school.

Or, if the perfect school did not say yes, your son or daughter is doing much nail biting trying to decide among the acceptances that you have.

And, if your student didn’t make it into any of the colleges that he or she applied to, Tip 90 of 110 Tips For Getting Into The College Of Your Choice by Sandra and Ian Griffin offers hope. There are colleges that offer “late admissions” and others that have “rolling admissions.” Your high school’s college counselor may have lists of these colleges or can get them from the National Association of College Admissions Counseling.

Where to Start in Preparing for College

This tiny gem of a booklet offers 109 other sound tips for actions students and their parents can take starting in middle school and continuing all through high school until your student is ready to board that plane, train, bus or car to begin a new life at college.

Having been through this process with my first son who is one month away from completing his Freshman year at college, I was delighted to discover that Sandra and Ian Griffin cover all of the most important topics our family discovered with our son.

Starting in middle school?

Yes!

Just as learning basic reading and math in 1st grade are the building blocks for your child for higher grades in elementary school, reading and math in middle school prepare your child for high school. It is also a time for your child to start exploring interests that may be come life long passions.

Tip 103: Keep An Open Mind About Your Student’s Interests

I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams that my older son’s hours of Gameboy and Game Cube playing would help him get admitted to college. In fact, my husband and I used kitchen timers to limit our son’s game time. When the timer went off, it was time for him to read, do homework or go outside to play.

Even so, our son pursued his passion, eventually landing a volunteer coding job with an open source online game. That led to becoming a team leader on the open source game project.

When it came to writing the essays for college, our son had quite a story to tell. And, several of the colleges loved it. They saw his commitment and growth through the essays he wrote about handling the good and bad of being a volunteer on an open source game project.

You could say he got into college by playing video games.

110 Tips for Getting Into The College of Your Choice has many more tips about middle school preparation, high school courses, writing essays and choosing colleges. It’s easy to read and very easy on the budget — just $5.99 plus tax and postage. You can order the slim, hardcopy version to keep as a handy reference.

In my last post, Was Your Son Or Daughter Rejected By A Top College?, I talked about what to do if the perfect school didn’t materialize for your high school senior. There are a lot of steps to take before that day comes. Sandra and Ian Griffin’s handy little book is a great place to start.

110 Tips for Getting Into The College of Your Choice

Please check it out.

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

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Big 9 x 12 envelope with acceptance letter and paperwork or flat #10 envelope with a rejection letter?

These days, notice is more likely to come by email or on your password protected section of the college’s website. Your student logs in and cheers exultantly . . . or groans in pain.

Watching From the Sidelines

Parenting your teen through this process is like watching him or her nervously step up to bat in a softball game for the first time. Is it a home run, or a single or an out? Receiving the acceptance letter feels like a home run to win the State Championship .

But, oh, the rejection letter (strike out in the bottom of the 9th inning) hurts deeply inside no matter how gently it is worded. It feels so final.

Making matters worse is the fact that 4,158,000 babies were born in 1990 (US Census Data). This is the largest number of children born since 1960. More students are applying to college; and more of those are applying to top colleges. Harvard received over 27,000 applications for Fall 2008!

So, how does a parent help a daughter or son through this?

Telling your student not to feel rejected will probably fall flat, especially if your teen has begun to visualize himself there. What do you do?

Try Diverting Attention Instead.

Help your teenager focus on the good news. Spend time looking at the packages from colleges that accepted your student. Stress what a tremendous effort your son or daughter made to get these results.

Banish all blame from the conversation. If you hear your high schooler mutter, “If only I . . .” stop them from saying anything more. No amount of anguished blame will change the results. It may be trite saying, but it is true nonetheless — “when one door closes, another one opens.”

Help your student look for the door that’s opening. Talk about the positive features of the colleges that accepted your student. What is unique? Which has the most classes and activities that fit your teen’s goals and interests?

Creative Admissions

Some colleges have gotten creative and are offer acceptances for the Spring in addition to the Fall semester. University of California at Berkeley offered that to a friend of ours last year. It is a creative alternative that turned out great for our friend. He got into one of his top choice schools, just not in the Fall. Berkeley also had a special program for Spring admits in the Fall semester so that our friend could work on required courses. It worked out just right.

Then, there are waiting lists.

More students will be offered waiting list status this year than before. Usually college admissions directors can predict how many students will enroll in a given year. But, 2008-2009 is rather unusual so the waiting lists will be larger than before.

The decision to stay on the waiting list is more difficult. It depends on the other acceptances and financial offers your son or daughter has received. Just how interested is your child in that college that put him/her on the wait list?

If the answer is VERY interested, the student should immediately let the school know by returning the postcard or completing the electronic form. It is a good idea to follow this up with a letter to the Director of Admissions. The letter should should be as specific as possible with reasons why the student is still very interested in that particular school. For example, explain which particular courses or programs the student is interested in at the waiting list college.

Your high school guidance counselor can help here, too, by forwarding the latest set of grades to demonstrate the effort the student is making in school and sending additional glowing recommendations from a particular teacher. Your guidance counselor is also a resource for evaluating the the offers from the colleges which accepted your teen.

Deadline May 1

It is critical that your teen reserve a place at one of these acceptance schools by or before May 1. On the plus side, this assures that your son or daughter is going to college in the Fall. The downside is, If your teen then gets admitted from a waiting list, he/she may have to forfeit an entrance deposit (sent to the acceptance school) to go to their top choice school. The entrance fees are sizable at some colleges, but modest or non-existent at others. It is important to pay attention to them.

If, after all of these efforts, your student doesn’t get into a top choice school, there is the possibility to transfer to another school after Freshman or Sophomore year. Transferring is almost as much work as applying as a Freshman.

One of the best discussions I have seen about transferring colleges is at About.com.

There are good reasons to transfer and bad ones. You, as the parent, can help your son or daughter look at the current college experience for the signs that transferring is the right thing to do. But, it is important to distinguish between adjustment to a new environment and issues that really do need changing.

The first year of college is a major leap for your teen into a new and unfamiliar environment. Adapting to that environment is stressful, there is no question about it. Re-creating those cozy friendships and daily routines left behind in high school take time. Until they happen, even the most mature student can feel awkward and out of place. Don’t be surprised if once those are established, your student realizes that he/she is in the right place after all.

Congratulations! You are the parent of a college student now.

© 2008 CK Wilde. All Rights Reserved. Please feel free to link to this post but you must have prior written permission to reproduce this post either whole or in part. Please use the comments to request permission.

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After many August weekends of canning whole tomatoes, my mother revolutionized her life by canning tomato sauce which could be used right from the jar to prepare meals. Much later on my parents discovered the wonders of freezing the sauce to keep more of the fresh made taste.

Getting bumper crops of tomatoes took a lot of work preparing the soil, starting plants from seeds, planting and then watering and tending the plants. Most spring and summer evenings, you would find my father out in his garden helping plants grow.

Two Packs A Day

And, during that time, my father was a two pack-a-day smoker. He quit “cold turkey” one day after 35 years of smoking because a coughing fit left him wheezing and unable to catch his breath. In that instant, he finally realized that his only choice was to stop smoking.

He continued to vigorously garden until his late 70’s when his second wife pronounced the garden “too much work for him” and urged him to give it up. Believe it or not, the garden seemed to be the source of his energy and strength.

Over the next few years, Dad’s health slid into decline. Hospitalizations became more frequent.

Gardening and Salads?

So even though it seems a bit far fetched, it doesn’t surprise me that the researchers at the University of Texas M.D. Anderson Cancer Center found recently (December 2007) that smokers and non-smokers may be able to reduce the risk of lung cancer by eating salads 4 or more times per week and working in the garden 1 or 2 times per week.

Cynical reviewers could say that this research is nothing more than getting exercise and eating the right kinds of foods. Yet, I wonder if there is something additional going on?

Thwarting Pesky Gophers!

When my children were in preschool and first grade, we tended a little garden in tubs placed in a sunny spot near our front door. We grew all plants in containers to thwart the gophers who managed to devour everything in their path.

After a few minutes of pulling weeds and watering, I would lapse into a reverie — an almost primal connection to the earth. The warmth of the sun would melt the tension from the week. Stretching and bending felt so good after a week of desk sitting. I would be refreshed and ready for the hectic week ahead.

In a number of weeks after all of my solicitous garden tending, we would be rewarded with the most delicious tasting vegetable and herbs. An added benefit of all of the work in the garden is that , even today, my sons willingly eat salads and vegetables!

And now, the researchers at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center have been able to empirically show that eating vegetables (antioxidants, vitamins and minerals) and getting outdoors to get some sun (Vitamin D) and exercise (reduce stress and condition the heart and lungs) can save smokers lives.

It is a sad irony that just a few years after my father gave up gardening, he died of lung cancer.

If you have a parent or spouse who smokes, don’t give up on getting him or her to quit. 80 percent of lung cancers are related to smoking tobacco.

In the meantime, you might want to suggest heading out to the garden to plant some veggies.

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When Dr. G accepted a partnership opportunity 80 miles away, we moved to Dr. H who gave my children friendly, practical care until it was our turn to move away.

Dr. H gave us a referral to Dr. B, a distinguished, elderly man trained in Europe. I really appreciated Dr. B’s concern and care when it came to treating my son’s asthma.

Unfortunately, our insurance carrier changed and I was forced to find a different doctor who was accepted by the plan. That’s how Dr. F entered our lives.

Every time we made a change, I dutifully requested that my sons’ medical records be sent to the new doctor. Dr. F inherited two files that were over 2 inches thick. The last time I saw a complete file was during an office visit for my youngest son two years ago.

(Here’s the Health Record organizer I recommend.)

Reason Number 1 - Medical Records Get Lost or Destroyed

Recently, it was time to changed doctors again. I requested copies from Dr. F’s staff and paid $50 for them photocopy the entire files.

What I got was only 10 pages for each son!

The doctors’ staff insists that I got everything they had.

So, what happened to all of those old records?

I can only suppose that someone was cleaning up the doctors files and moved ours to some unlabeled box in a storage facility. Or, perhaps they shredded them (California has enormous penalties for failing to destroy medical records properly).

HIPPA, the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, requires information it defines as “protected health information” to be maintained by the physician for at least 6 years from the date of its creation or the date it was last in effect. The earliest date in the records I received was 1997. So Dr. F’s staff had actually kept records going back more than 10 years.

Isn’t that good enough?

Not always.

Reason Number 2 - Memory Fails & Doctors’ Notes are Impossible to Read

My oldest son recently came down with a sinus infection at college. He needed to tell Health Services if he had any reactions to medication. I recalled he had some issue with one antibiotic a long time ago. But which one was it?

I couldn’t remember the name so I searched the records I received. Dr. F’s scribbles were impossible to read. How I wish I had kept a set of records myself. The benefit claim forms that the insurance company sends don’t have any of these kinds of details.

So my son had to take the medication he was prescribed and hope for the best.

We lucked out. Number one son is recuperating nicely. But, there could have been a problem. All I had to do was make a legible note in a binder and put it in a safe place. But I didn’t because I thought I would remember.

My father tried to capture his key medical issues on pieces of note paper. I found a few of these notes in his tax paperwork for 2005. But, Dad didn’t have these papers with him the times he was hospitalized in the past two years.

My father wasn’t always able to tell the hospital doctors his medical history. It is clear from the records I have that they were in the dark about it. He ended up having multiple tests and x-rays over and over again because of it.

Reason Number 3 - Doctors Don’t Always Communicate With Each Other

In my post, Google Doesn’t Belong in the Health Records Business, I mentioned that my Dad’s family doctor did not always get records after my Dad’s hospitalizations because she was not affiliated with that hospital.

The hospital would assign a doctor to my father. Dad would protest that he had a doctor. They would explain that she couldn’t attend him that their hospital. My father would be angry and frustrated. The hospital staff would just call him difficult.

Eventually, I convinced my father to switch doctors so that he would have a family practitioner close to where he lived. With the help of the nurse at the retirement community, I arranged for my father to consult with two of the doctors who made visits to the community. He wasn’t sure which doctor he wanted as his primary care physician so we arranged for him to meet both doctors and then decide.

I requested my father’s medical records from his original doctor but her staff did not want to release them. The office manager said she would only release his medical records to another doctor. (Note: Each individual has a right to his/her own medical records.) They said they were afraid he would lose them and it would be too much work to copy them again.

Frustrated but unable to do much by long distance, I suggested to my father than I would give his old doctor one of the names of the new doctors, have the file sent, and then he could choose from the two new doctors. The nurse at the retirement community promised to get the file to the right doctor when it arrived.

Dad had a “meet and greet” with one of the doctors. Still no medical record for the new doctor to review. The other doctor had an emergency that day and canceled office visits.

Meanwhile, I continued to badger the office manager to release my father’s records.

Dad’s records eventually arrived, but not before he was hospitalized again. More tests, more x-rays.

You Need to Protect Yourself and Your Family

My family has had its share of doctors’ visits since the time my children were born. Most of those have been routine checkups. Never in all that time has any medical professional ever suggested I keep a binder to keep track of things.

My latest experiences tell me that I really need to get a binder together for my family. After doing some research, I settled on Jakoter Health Organizers.

The Jakoter Health Organizer includes a sturdy binder, 75 separate pages to record important information, pocket pages to hold instructions, notes and charts, even business card holder pages to keep all of your doctors’ business cards handy.

Click this link to see more information about the Jakoter Health Organizer.

Are you carrying around stacks of doctors’ business cards in your purse just in case you will need them? I was. The business card pages in this kit are a way to lighten your load and still be prepared.

This organizer was created by an enterprising mom, Laura Heuer, who needed a way to deal with the overload of details about her son who had severe reactions to antibiotics given for a strep throat. Her son eventually got better. Out of her struggle to stay organized and on top of issues, the Jakoter Health Organizer was born.

Please check it out. Having organized health records will make it easier to communicate with your doctors, prevent unnecessary procedures and help your doctor make better diagnoses.

Today is a great day to get started.

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