When Adult Siblings Fight–6 Steps To Heal The Hurt

The court reporter was readying her equipment while waiting for the next case to begin. The bailiff brought in the defendant. The court reporter glanced up to see the next man on trial. Imagine the her shock to see that the defendant being brought into criminal court was her mother’s court appointed guardian!

This man was accused of embezzling from his nephew’s trust account.  Was this the same man who was managing her mother’s affairs through the county’s Public Guardian Office? Yes, it was.

This true story made the front page of our local newspaper last week. The woman’s mother has Alzheimer’s Disease. Unfortunately, the mother never completed a power of attorney or health care directive before she became ill and unable to speak for herself.

But that’s only part of the story. The other part, that the newspaper barely mentioned, is about siblings battling over what’s best for their parent. Mom has one son and five daughters. The son was taking care of his mother, but the sisters disagreed with what he was doing.

The adult siblings ended up in court fighting over who should care for their mother. The judge chose to place Mom under the care of the Public Guardian’s Office rather than with one of her children. It doesn’t make sense . . . unless you have been involved in a dispute among siblings.

Despite educational and career advancement after years away from the family homestead, brothers and sisters all too often fall back into the old roles they occupied at age 9 or 10 when they return home to help mom or dad. All of the silly, and ugly, unresolved issues begin to surface. Old behavior patterns and ways of communicating arise like time magically reversed itself.

Unlearning those old behavior patterns takes a lot of work. That work must be done together as a family as well as individually. Career, young families, and misunderstandings occupy brothers’ and sisters’ lives, too.  “Why do we need to re-hash that old stuff?” someone questions.

So the old patterns persist. And a judge, seeing dissention that may never end in the siblings lifetimes, chooses a neutral party to manage Mom’s affairs. The county didn’t know about their employee’s little problem.

I can’t say who was right or wrong. But, I know that these are gut wrenching experiences. Hurtful comments from siblings about actions, or lack of action, can leave you feeling incredibly wounded even retaliatory. Siblings may stop speaking to each other altogether, retreating to the safety of their own lives.

You can’t always make the other person understand what you were trying to do, but there is something you can do to heal the hurt.

Jack Canfield, creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series,  in his all encompasing book, The Success Principles, offers a 6 step process for getting rid of those negative feelings.

“The following steps are all integral to forgiving:

1. Acknowledge your anger and resentment.
2. Acknowledge the hurt and pain it created.
3. Acknowledge the fears and self-doubts that it created.
4. Own any part you may have played in letting it occur or letting it continue
5. Acknowledge what you were wanting that you didn’t get, and then put yourself in the other person’s shoes and attempt to understand where he or she was coming from at the time, and what needs the person was trying to meet — however inelegantly — by his or her behavior.
6. Let go and forgive the person.”

You may be wondering why anyone needs 6 steps. Why not just jump to the last one?

If the hurt goes deep, your inner self won’t be able to ”just let go”.  It is most important to go through each step and acknowledge all of your feelings not just ignore or suppress them. Take as much time as you need.

You can write out your feelings and thoughts for each step, or pretend you are talking to the person. What you don’t have to do is actually confront the other person. Your job is healing yourself.

Interestingly enough, when you heal your hurt, your relationship with the other person may actually get better. I’ve seen that happen in our extended family.

The newspaper story ended on a happy note, by the way. The court reporter and her family reached an agreement wth the county Public Guardian’s Office. Their mom is safe, now being cared for in a facility not far away from her family. She’s not really aware of what has happened.  And that may be a blessing.